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Funny / Inspirational

As it is December and some of us are on that downward slide to Christmas. I thought rather than address any serious topics in this months newsletter I would offer some inspirational thoughts or funnies - something to make you laugh or stop and think. I have read these on the net, or they have been sent to me. You may have already seen some of them, but they are nice to read again. No offence is meant to anyone by anything following.

Some of these I retrieved from this website http://www.geocities.com/winnies_world/Forwards.html

This is a wonderful response Audrey Hepburn wrote when asked to share her "beauty tips." It was read at her funeral years later.

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

Women
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without new shoes so their children can have them.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage. Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They'll drive,fly,walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.

The Images of Mother
4 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE ~ Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE ~ Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE ~ That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE ~ Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE ~ Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

~Beauty of a Woman~

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, The figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman ! must be seen from her eyes, Because that is the doorway to her heart, The place where love resides. The beauty of a woman Is not in a facial mole, But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, The passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman With passing years -- only grows.

Ladies vs Real Women

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Real Woman - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. Real Woman - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. Real Woman - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Woman - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Real Woman - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.

Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. Real Woman - Woolies frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.

Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Woman - Go ask the very cute neighbour to do it.

And finally the most important tip.... Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Woman - Leftover wine??

Age of Women

Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen.
Age 8: She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.
Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister Mum I can't go to school looking like this!)
Age 20: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly"- but decides she's going out anyway.
Age 30: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it,so she's going out anyway.
Age 40: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but says, "At least, I am "clean" and goes out anyway.
Age 50: She looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to go.
Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquer the world.
Age 70: She looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out have fun with the world.

Written by Nadia MacLeod